Not good. This week has been quite the eating disaster, and now it has to stop. Sigh. I think I've eaten pretty much everything I've wanted to, and I've wanted to eat a lot!
By old standards, the overeating wasn't too bad. I didn't eat any whole cakes, I didn't eat any extra meals and I stopped eating when I was full. It has been totally emotional, a combination of scary changes, having to do difficult things, truly awful cramps and suddenly entering a new phase of sizing that involves normal sizes in normal stores and quite liking what I see in the mirror on a regular basis. So I freaked, and then I ate.
Tomorrow, I am not taking my purse to work, on the theory that I can't buy cake if I have no cash.
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Monday, 30 November 2009
Change is Scary
I’m not good with change. I can be flexible when I know things are uncertain, but I find it hard to adapt to sudden changes of things that I believe are stable. My brain takes awhile to catch up, and in the mean time, I often turn to food. So I guess it’s not a surprise that I’ve eaten terribly over the weekend, because on Friday, my sister got offered a job near me, and is going to come and live with me for at least the next six months. It’s an awesome opportunity for her, and I am really looking forward to the good times we are sure to have together – we are kindred spirits in a lot of things, and I'm really looking forward to having someone to do stuff with.
However, I'm still scared, and I think I need to write down why and have a really good look at them. Things are less scary in black and white, and I really do have to get control of my eating. Here is a list of what I've got so far:
- When we’re tired or grumpy, we know exactly where each others buttons are, and we can rip each other to shreds like only family can. If she really manages to get under my skin, there is the potential that I could use it as an excuse to binge.
- We both enjoy food, and, as demonstrated by her visit last May when I gained 1.3kg, we enable each other to eat too much and to eat junk. I will have a hard time being the boring on-a-diet one who ruins that dynamic.
- I'm worried about how I'll react to having to include someone else in my daily routine. At the moment, I eat whatever I have in the fridge that I can make into a balanced meal, irrelevant of how ridiculous a combination it is, and I can go to the gym for as long as I like whenever I like.
- I don't want to be a source of guilt for my sister. She has her own struggles with her weight, and I don't want my success to make her feel like a failure. I know how much guilt is associated with weight gain, and I also know how much guilt does not help.
- I really don't want her to find this blog. The only reason I'm so honest on this blog is because I feel anonymous, but I'll probably be letting her use my laptop, which has all of my links and passwords and history. It's going to be a real hassle to keep my CouchPotato life hidden.
Will writing down my fears help me deal thing them? It seems to have helped in the past. And not dealing with it is just resulting in feeling out of control and over eating.
*************************
I finished week six of Couch to 5k, but I won't be finishing the programme, at least not as it's written. I'm finding the long runs incredibly dull and slow, so I'm going to go back to week 1 and start again at a faster speed. At the moment I'm jogging at a pace that feels dull and slow, but if I increase it to 8.5 km/hr (which I realise is still very slow), I feel like I'm flying. I'd like to be able to fly. I will probably do a long run every week or so, but I'm not going to force myself to slog through three weeks of long runs three times a week just to be able to say I finished the programme.
*************************
I did find the Glee soundtrack, and the theme "Don't stop believing" is going to be the last song of my running playlist for the foreseeable future. I just love it.
*************************
Instead of going to RPM on Sunday, I spent hours in Westfield trying on dresses. I've been looking for a sun dress for summer; I haven't owned one for years, and there are so many in the shops, that I refused to believe that there wasn't one out there for me. The problem with now being a normal size is that there are so many more stores to look it on the hunt for the perfect dress - I tried on what felt like hundreds - though it was probably more like tens. After four hours, I did find one - but it was $130, and I just couldn't warrant spending that much money on a dress I was planning to mooch around the house in. I really must learn to look at the price before I try something on. I ended up buying one blue sun dress that would be perfect were it slightly less low cut, and three other dresses that are all a size too small. I'm really hoping I don't regret that, but they were all on special, and two of them are the same style as the black size 10 dress I bought a few weeks ago, which means that they are a utterly incomprehensible size 8. The other is similar in style, and was only $10, so I decided it was worth the risk that I would lose a bit more around my bust. I also bought some three quarter length jeans (size 14! Gotta love Katies' vanity sizing policy), and I think I have now got a reasonably complete summer wardrobe. Thank the gods, I can now stop shopping.
However, I'm still scared, and I think I need to write down why and have a really good look at them. Things are less scary in black and white, and I really do have to get control of my eating. Here is a list of what I've got so far:
- When we’re tired or grumpy, we know exactly where each others buttons are, and we can rip each other to shreds like only family can. If she really manages to get under my skin, there is the potential that I could use it as an excuse to binge.
- We both enjoy food, and, as demonstrated by her visit last May when I gained 1.3kg, we enable each other to eat too much and to eat junk. I will have a hard time being the boring on-a-diet one who ruins that dynamic.
- I'm worried about how I'll react to having to include someone else in my daily routine. At the moment, I eat whatever I have in the fridge that I can make into a balanced meal, irrelevant of how ridiculous a combination it is, and I can go to the gym for as long as I like whenever I like.
- I don't want to be a source of guilt for my sister. She has her own struggles with her weight, and I don't want my success to make her feel like a failure. I know how much guilt is associated with weight gain, and I also know how much guilt does not help.
- I really don't want her to find this blog. The only reason I'm so honest on this blog is because I feel anonymous, but I'll probably be letting her use my laptop, which has all of my links and passwords and history. It's going to be a real hassle to keep my CouchPotato life hidden.
Will writing down my fears help me deal thing them? It seems to have helped in the past. And not dealing with it is just resulting in feeling out of control and over eating.
*************************
I finished week six of Couch to 5k, but I won't be finishing the programme, at least not as it's written. I'm finding the long runs incredibly dull and slow, so I'm going to go back to week 1 and start again at a faster speed. At the moment I'm jogging at a pace that feels dull and slow, but if I increase it to 8.5 km/hr (which I realise is still very slow), I feel like I'm flying. I'd like to be able to fly. I will probably do a long run every week or so, but I'm not going to force myself to slog through three weeks of long runs three times a week just to be able to say I finished the programme.
*************************
I did find the Glee soundtrack, and the theme "Don't stop believing" is going to be the last song of my running playlist for the foreseeable future. I just love it.
*************************
Instead of going to RPM on Sunday, I spent hours in Westfield trying on dresses. I've been looking for a sun dress for summer; I haven't owned one for years, and there are so many in the shops, that I refused to believe that there wasn't one out there for me. The problem with now being a normal size is that there are so many more stores to look it on the hunt for the perfect dress - I tried on what felt like hundreds - though it was probably more like tens. After four hours, I did find one - but it was $130, and I just couldn't warrant spending that much money on a dress I was planning to mooch around the house in. I really must learn to look at the price before I try something on. I ended up buying one blue sun dress that would be perfect were it slightly less low cut, and three other dresses that are all a size too small. I'm really hoping I don't regret that, but they were all on special, and two of them are the same style as the black size 10 dress I bought a few weeks ago, which means that they are a utterly incomprehensible size 8. The other is similar in style, and was only $10, so I decided it was worth the risk that I would lose a bit more around my bust. I also bought some three quarter length jeans (size 14! Gotta love Katies' vanity sizing policy), and I think I have now got a reasonably complete summer wardrobe. Thank the gods, I can now stop shopping.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Weigh in Week 46 - 85.3kg
I am loving the weightloss experience right now!!! How awesome is that number! I am soooo close to the 85kg that I wanted to be before the 17th of December, which is still 3 whole weeks away.
So now, of course, I'm doing the maths trying to work out how much more I can lose...... the next aim is 82kg, which would have me down 40kg from Week 0 (8/1/09) and would fulfil my vague plan of losing 10kg per quarter this year. And then there's 79kg, at which I am no longer obese!!! I am trying not to get carried away though, as the next month and a half are full of Christmas parties, Birthdays do's and New Years mayhem.
85.3kg!
I'm fairly certain that this is the weight I was when I started Uni, and stopped weighing myself. I've lost 13 years worth of weight gain in less than a year.
So now, of course, I'm doing the maths trying to work out how much more I can lose...... the next aim is 82kg, which would have me down 40kg from Week 0 (8/1/09) and would fulfil my vague plan of losing 10kg per quarter this year. And then there's 79kg, at which I am no longer obese!!! I am trying not to get carried away though, as the next month and a half are full of Christmas parties, Birthdays do's and New Years mayhem.
85.3kg!
I'm fairly certain that this is the weight I was when I started Uni, and stopped weighing myself. I've lost 13 years worth of weight gain in less than a year.
Monday, 23 November 2009
I'm changing
Today I did two things that indicate how much I've changed in the past (almost) year.
1) I stopped an episode of The Biggest Loser half way through in order to go running.
2) I ran more than the schedule of Couch to 5K required me to.
Woot!
I've decided what I want my next "I'm-trying-hard-at-this-weight-loss-thing,and-I'm-generally-a-decent-person-and-I-deserve-a-reward" reward to be. I want the "Glee" soundtrack. I don't even know if it's out yet, but one of the songs came on at the gym when I only had about thirty seconds left to run, and I was soooo pumped up by it that I kept running until the song finished. The best part in having run 20 minutes non-stop is that anything less seems short, and totally doable. Cardiovascularly, I am now fit enough to run without taking breaks. How cool is that!
1) I stopped an episode of The Biggest Loser half way through in order to go running.
2) I ran more than the schedule of Couch to 5K required me to.
Woot!
I've decided what I want my next "I'm-trying-hard-at-this-weight-loss-thing,and-I'm-generally-a-decent-person-and-I-deserve-a-reward" reward to be. I want the "Glee" soundtrack. I don't even know if it's out yet, but one of the songs came on at the gym when I only had about thirty seconds left to run, and I was soooo pumped up by it that I kept running until the song finished. The best part in having run 20 minutes non-stop is that anything less seems short, and totally doable. Cardiovascularly, I am now fit enough to run without taking breaks. How cool is that!
Sunday, 22 November 2009
20 minutes!
I did it!
I ran for the 20 full minutes without stopping! Saturday morning I got up, ate my yoghurt and blueberries, and went to the gym. Warmed up with a 4 minute song, and then started running (well, jogging). The second third was the worst, all I wanted to do was slow down. It wasn't so much that it was painful, it was just really uncomfortable, and I really, really wanted to stop. And then I realised that that's all it was – discomfort – not pain, nothing unbearable or dangerous, so I just had to put up with it. I even sped up the treadmill for the last minute:) I've decided that when I finish the program, or at least get bored with it, I'm going to start it again at a faster pace. Feeling very successful right now.
I ran for the 20 full minutes without stopping! Saturday morning I got up, ate my yoghurt and blueberries, and went to the gym. Warmed up with a 4 minute song, and then started running (well, jogging). The second third was the worst, all I wanted to do was slow down. It wasn't so much that it was painful, it was just really uncomfortable, and I really, really wanted to stop. And then I realised that that's all it was – discomfort – not pain, nothing unbearable or dangerous, so I just had to put up with it. I even sped up the treadmill for the last minute:) I've decided that when I finish the program, or at least get bored with it, I'm going to start it again at a faster pace. Feeling very successful right now.
Saturday, 21 November 2009
Another day, another post
So, I've done a stupid thing. I've almost maxed out my internet usage only 5 days into the month. Oops. I've spent the night at the library investigating their free internet, which is sadly quite terrible. It's going to be a looooonnnng month, though it is probably a good thing, as I've spent way too many nights staying up too late watching too many re-runs of The Biggest Loser on Youtube.
Tonight I went for my first swim of the season in the pool at work. It's free for employees, but this is the first time in over five years that I've used it. I wish I hadn't waited so long, it's a really nice pool. I did maybe 700m, slowly, because I'm not yet fit enough to swim freestyle in a sustained manner. I remember when I used to swim in high school, I could swim freestyle almost indefinitely, and I'm really looking forward to be fit enough just cruise like that again. I've realised that the cruising sensation is what I've been waiting for in my running. I don't know whether I'll ever manage it, but I do know that I have to learn how to push myself past cruising consistantly. Tomorrow, according to the Couch to 5K schedule, I'm meant to run for 20minutes, and I must admit it's freaking me out a bit. I did 2x 8minutes on Wednesday, and I got sooooo bored and frustrated and I really, really wanted to stop from about 5 minutes onwards. I've decided that I'm going to do everything I can to get through the 20 minutes. I'm going to reduce the incline to zero, and allow myself to reduce the speed, and get through it. We'll see how it goes. The worst thing that can happen is that I run for longer than I have since high school (current record is 8 minutes, set on Wednesday), but have to give up before the end. I've created a special playlist that is exactly 20 minutes long, starting with the theme to Buffy and ending with Jet, and I hope this will keep me going.
Wish me luck.
Thursday, 19 November 2009
It's 5am
Rant alert.
I'm Awake. It's five am, and I am wide awake. And pissed off. I am not a morning person. I don't wake up at 5am ever, unless there is a plan to catch or maybe some sort of family emergency, or I haven't gone to bed yet. The reason I'm awake: heartburn. And what terrible fatty foods did I eat yesterday to initiate this heartburn, you may ask. Well, I had a slice of cheese and some avocado with lunch, about six macadamias for afternoon tea, half a slice of cheese before I went to the gym because my stomach was growling, and then for dinner, chicken. I know, shocking the terrible food I've been putting into my body.....NOT. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair. Pout.
Now, I don't mind having heartburn when I've eaten junk. Well, it's painful and really not a lot of fun, but at least if I've eaten late night MacDonalds I deserved it. It's my bodies way of saying "that was not cool, please don't do it again", but when and extra half a slice of cheese 12 hours ago causes this much pain, I feel that the punishment is more than slightly disproportionate.
End Rant.
Anyway, the drugs seem to be working, so I'm going to see if I can fall asleep again. Work is not going to be fun today:(
I'm Awake. It's five am, and I am wide awake. And pissed off. I am not a morning person. I don't wake up at 5am ever, unless there is a plan to catch or maybe some sort of family emergency, or I haven't gone to bed yet. The reason I'm awake: heartburn. And what terrible fatty foods did I eat yesterday to initiate this heartburn, you may ask. Well, I had a slice of cheese and some avocado with lunch, about six macadamias for afternoon tea, half a slice of cheese before I went to the gym because my stomach was growling, and then for dinner, chicken. I know, shocking the terrible food I've been putting into my body.....NOT. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair. Pout.
Now, I don't mind having heartburn when I've eaten junk. Well, it's painful and really not a lot of fun, but at least if I've eaten late night MacDonalds I deserved it. It's my bodies way of saying "that was not cool, please don't do it again", but when and extra half a slice of cheese 12 hours ago causes this much pain, I feel that the punishment is more than slightly disproportionate.
End Rant.
Anyway, the drugs seem to be working, so I'm going to see if I can fall asleep again. Work is not going to be fun today:(
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